How to communicate with relatives, friends and colleagues

A rich, deep conversation is great, but in everyday life it rarely happens. Instead, we often notice that in conversations - whether with a partner, family or colleague - we inadvertently enter into a senseless dispute without understanding each other.

How to avoid these traps? In order to find out about it, scientist writer David Robon communicated with writer Charles Dakhigg about his new book "Super Communicators: How to Unlock a Secret Language".

How do you define the supercommunicator?

I have a counter -question. If you had a bad day and you want to call a friend, because you know that from talking to this person it will be easier for you - who comes to your mind?

I immediately think about one of my best girlfriends.

So, for you, she is a supercommunicer, and you are probably a supercommunicator for her. You both know how to listen to each other so that you really hear what the other person says. And you know how to show you listening. You know how to ask the right questions that really make you understand something about yourself and she shows you that she wants to be near you.

Some people do it constantly. They can communicate with almost anyone. And these people are consistent supercommunications. When I started this book, I thought these people should be very charismatic or extrovert. But it turns out that it is only a set of skills or tools that everyone can master.

What about the secrets of good communication tells us a neuronum?

When people communicate with each other, their bodies and brains are involved in this process. The pupils of the eyes begin to expand at almost the same rate, the rhythm of breathing begins to coincide. And most importantly, nervous activity is becoming more and more similar, as they begin to think equally.

The essence of communication is that I can describe a sense of emotion or experience of an idea, and you will feel a certain version of it. Our brains are becoming more and more similar.

In your book, you quote a wonderful study of the neurobiologist Bo Sivers, who shows how supercommunicators change the dynamics in the group.

It really captures. He gathered people into groups and asked them to discuss several video fractures that were knocked out of the panther. He found that in some groups people united and formed connections with each other, and their answers were much better.

Each of these groups had at least one person who was a supercommunicator. They asked 10-20 times more questions than an ordinary person. Some of their questions invited other people to dialogue, while others allowed them to reveal something significant about themselves. These participants also captured the fun or seriousness of other people.

The most important thing is that they realized that there were different types of conversations. Most of us believe that the discussion concerns one subject - for example, we are talking about my day at work or assessing my child.

But in fact, each discussion consists of different types of conversations, and most of them belong to one of three groups.

There are practical conversations where we make plans or solve problems. There are emotional conversations where I tell you what I feel and want you to listen and empathize. And there are social conversations that demonstrate our social identities and how we treat each other.

Sivers found that supercommunications are so effective because they pay attention to what kind of conversation is happening. And then they do so that everyone has the same conversation at the same time.

This reminds me of research by psychology Anita Williams Wulie on collective intelligence, which found that how well members of the team are able to solve problems together, determines their individual social sensitivity.

Absolutely. Social sensitivity, or empathy, really means that you just pay attention to what the other person tells you what she needs now and what conversation she wants to lead.

You claim that we have to ask more “deep” questions. Why?

Deep questions ask a person about their values, beliefs or experience. When we talk about these things we talk about who we really are. And such questions are very easy, isn't it?

If you talk to your doctor, you can ask, "Why did you decide to enter the medical university?" or “What do you like about medical practice?”

And these are deep questions because they suggest another person to tell something true and significant about themselves. And after such a question, it is easier for us to tell you why we chose our work.

Well, then I want to ask you a deep question. What personal experience prompted you to write "Super Communicators"?

I worked as a manager then - and the manager of me was terrible. I was well able to strategic part and logistics, but not communication.

And it also affected my communication with my wife when I returned home after a long working day and began to complain about my boss and my colleagues.

And she quite reasonably offered something like: "Why don't you invite a boss to lunch so that you can know more about each other?"

And instead of hearing her, I was even more upset. And this, in turn, upset her - because I suddenly shouted at her only for giving me advice.

When I told the researchers, they said that I tried to have an emotional conversation, and my wife, instead, was practical. And if you do not have the same conversation at the same time, you will not hear each other and there is no connection between you.

In psychology, this is called the principle of coordination: real communication requires you to keep the same type of conversation.

What is the role of non -verbal communication?

We know that about 50% of how we send signals and receive information during a conversation is associated not with the content of words, but with everything that surrounds it: tone of voice, speech speed, body language, facial expression. Our brain has the ability to determine people's feelings, paying attention to two things: their energy and mood.

Toddlers can catch their parents' mood before learning to speak or understand words. But when we become older, the words are so fascinated by so much information that we stop paying attention to everything else, and sometimes we have to remind ourselves.

In your book, you illustrated this with a siban "Theory of Big Bang."

The "Big Bang Theory" was initially a complete failure, and the reason for its success was that the screenwriters came up with how to force the heroes to express their feelings without words.

His characters are physicists who are very bad to convey their emotions or feelings. That's the humor - they are so awkward that it is funny. But the problem is how to write a sieve when your main characters can't convey, what do they feel or think?

After a failed pilot episode, the screenwriters came up with a new recipe in which each of the characters shows what he feels through his mood and energy. So in the new pilot there is a scene where two physicists first meet a beautiful woman Penny, and everything they can say is "Hi", "Hi", "Hi".

But every time they say "hello" they say it differently. They change the mood, they change energy, and suddenly you know exactly what they feel. At first they are excited, then feel real embarrassment, and then - that they need to rest, although the word remains the same.

It is because their mood and energy change, we, as viewers, know what they think and feel. And the same goes for any conversation in real life.

How did you write a book about supercommunication changed your life?

Now, at the beginning of every conversation, my wife and I decide what kind of conversation we want to have. Liz will say something like: "Do you want me to help you solve this problem? Or do you just need to speak and throw it out of yourself?" And I do the same. And then we show each other that we really listen: we ask additional questions or repeat what the other said.

Most importantly, we just show and tell each other what we want to have a connection between us. After all, when we find out that someone wants to connect with us, we begin to want it.